Jason D. Barr

“Physician, heal thyself” is a quote you may have heard before.  It refers to dealing with your own issues and difficulties before you go about trying to solve the world’s problems.  No one wants to take advice from someone who hasn’t done what they’re teaching.  Entreprenuership professors who’ve never owned a business, coaches who never played the sport, etc.  What’s the point, right?

Granted, I can’t be expected to teach something I’ve never done myself.  But, what if I’ve done something poorly, infrequently, or only once?  Can I teach then?  It seems to me that, in my experience, I’ve learned an awful lot by teaching other people.  You only need to read one chapter ahead in order to know more than your students, right?

If both you and the person you’re teaching approach the relationship with eyes wide open, I think that teaching something that you know very little about can be a good thing.  First of all, you as the teacher need to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure you’re studying relevant sources and gaining expertise from credible experiences.  Once that’s assured, however, you’ll reinforce what you yourself are learning much more thoroughly by sharing your newfound knowledge with someone else.

Of course, if given the opportunity, it’s always best to learn from someone who’s done what you’re trying to learn how to do.  Who would you rather learn how to throw a football from:  Joe Montana, or your grandma?  But, in the absence of opportunity to get close to a true subject matter expert, and concerted effort to learn all you can, and then impart it to someone else, will get you far down the road toward becoming a true authority in your new field of study.

So, in addition to long-term thinking, another key to success is creative thinking.  Unfortunately, this is one that many people (especially in the business world) struggle with.  A common refrain is “I just don’t have a whole lot of creativity”.  There are two key issues that I’d like to point out to combat this type of thinking.  When you really take these keys to heart, you’ll free yourself to begin thinking creatively.

The first key is to realize that the vast majority of us are born creative.  Studies have shown that 2% of adults are truly creative by the time they reach the age of 40.  Studies have also shown that 2% of 30 year olds are genuinely creative.  In fact, studies have shown that the 2% “creativity rate” holds true all the way down to early childhood, where approximately 90% of 5 year olds are deemed “creative”.  What happens?  What causes such a drastic shift?  The theory posed by these individuals that conducted the studies is that children are instructed to, in a sense, abandon creativity as they grow up.  With the focus on seriousness and attention to facts that begins to invade their lives as they begin school, these kids literally have the creativity squashed out of them.  The ability to think creatively, to attack problems and questions from innovative angles, is not valued nearly as highly as is the ability to remember facts and retain information.  Consequently, kids begin to focus on these skills and cease to use their formerly strong creative abilities.

There’s a lesson here:  creativity is forgotten if you don’t use it.  It follows logically that, the more you use your creative abilities, the more creative you become.  Just as muscles that aren’t exercised regularly atrophy, so too does imagination and novel thinking.  So, in order to become more creative, you have to focus more on exercising the creative abilities you have.  It may be hard at first, and you may need to start small, but you will become better at it as time goes by.

The second key to creativity is to remember that there are no unique ideas.  The greatest minds throughout history have built upon the foundations left by the thinkers before them.  As such, you can rest assured that any idea you have, someone else has had before.

This may be discouraging to some, but to me, it’s a liberating concept.  I don’t have to do something revolutionary in order to consider it creative!  I don’t have to reinvent the wheel!  I simply need to be willing to consider all possibilities for solving any of the challenges that I face on a daily basis.  Many ideas have been conceived before, but not all of them have been executed properly.  You don’t have to invent the mousetrap, you just have to refine the concept and execute it.

So, there you have it.  Be willing to attempt creative thoughts and activities, and remember that you don’t have to do anything earth-shattering.  Creativity is much less daunting if you deal with it in this fashion.  You owe it to yourself to  give it a shot.

Here is a transcript of Steve Jobs’ commencement address at Stanford University in 2005. I’m not a Mac person, per se (although I am using one to type this), and I’m not big on a lot of stuff Jobs says, but this is an incredible address.

When I was 17 years old, I read a quote that said something like: “Live each day as if it were your last. Someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

This is the crux of the issue I was speaking about yesterday. Find your vision and chase it down. Otherwise, you’re not doing what you’ve been put here to do. There’s no purpose, no meaning, and you’ll drift through life day after day. Eventually, you won’t be able to meet your own eyes staring back at you from the mirror in the morning.

Be honest with yourself. Are you really doing what you want to be doing? Or, are you just doing it for a paycheck, or because it provides security, or status, or some other “benefit”? There’s nothing wrong with those reasons; you need to provide for your family, and security and status are very important to some people. However, are these things the most important to you? Is it worth 45-55 hours a week or more, 50 weeks a year for 40-45 years, just for some cash and a Mercedes? I don’t know about you, but those just don’t cut it for me. I’m not willing to trade time with my wife and son, and making a contribution to the welfare of others for those things.

I want to make an impact. I want to feel like I’m a part of something bigger than myself that’s helping other people, that’s adding value to the world around me. I want to leave this world a better place for my son, and I want to have people say when I’m gone, “Man, what would my life be like if it wasn’t for the things that Jason started? Where would I be without that?”. That’s the goal. The stuff we accumulate is fine, but it’s really a byproduct.

Is vision just for CEO-types? I don’t believe it is. Everyone needs to have vision.

Vision is the ability to take the long-range view, to look at a challenging situation and see many possible outcomes, to make the choices that will direct one through the challenges to the best result. Vision is crucial to becoming engaged in whatever situation you are dealing with. If you can’t conjure a long-term plan, you’ll tend to get bogged down in the details of the day-to-day. Your vision, the big picture, is what you can do better than anyone else and the way you can leave your mark on the world around you.

How do you cultivate the tendency to think big picture? I believe that, first and foremost, you’ve got to have a big picture view of your life. What’s the motivating force that goads you to action every day? What gets you most excited about waking up in the morning? If you’re not excited to get up, then you don’t have a vision. Many people call these “goals”, and the terms probably could be used interchangeably, but I believe that goals are what get you down the road to achieving your vision. Goals are incremental steps to how you plan to make the environment in which you live a little bit better.

A vision is something that you are so interested in, so excited about, that you willingly invest your spare time, energy, and money to accomplish. For some people, it’s studying some particular topic (say, philosophy or history). Some people write, some are passionate about helping other people.

And, some people are just enthusiastic about themselves. If you don’t have a vision of something greater than yourself, you’ll automatically default to surfing the couch five nights a week and drinking beer with your buddies the other two. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a valid choice to make. Everyone is at that stage at some point in their lives. However, I will have to say that not looking past yourself to something greater is a gross misuse of your God-given abilities and talents.

There is something in you are better at or know more about than anyone else in your social circle. Don’t miss the opportunity to share your insights and skills with other people. Whether it’s helping a friend who’s starting a business to design a website, or tutoring kids who have a tough time with their math homework, find something or someone outside of yourself to focus on.

Once you feel like you’ve found that thing that you are passionate about above all other things, it’s time to brainstorm. Make two lists: one list of how you can develop this passion (more study, practice, etc.), and another list of how your passion can benefit those around you. Once you know how to get better at what you truly care about, and how you can help other people through applying your passion, you’ll have the vision for your life.

As you go through life, you’ll naturally refine what you see in your big picture. It may be a tweak here or there, or it may be a full-blown change of course. Either one is fine. You never truly know how your actions will affect those around you until you start.

Big picture thinking will elevate you above the mundane issues you face in the daily grind, and will cause the things that formerly frustrated you to become much smaller issues than they had been previously. Once you’ve got a long-term mindset, those frustrations don’t matter as much. If they’re challenges blocking your way toward achieving your vision, you’ll have a reason to keep going through them. And, if they’re challenges in an area unrelated to your vision, you’ll know that they don’t really matter. What’s important is keeping your vision always in front of you, and constantly reminding yourself of what you will achieve.

So, if (as I mentioned yesterday) we are all relational beings to one extent or another, how do we do it? How do we go about developing relationships? Those of us who are introverted tend to make connections slowly, and devote a great deal of time to one person before we consider them to be a true friend. Our extroverted friends, on the other hand, can enter a room where they know no one and walk out with 10s of new friends in a couple of hours. What’s the difference?

First of all, the difference may be one of semantics. Extroverts tend to use a looser definition of “friend” than do introverts. However, even functioning from a baseline definition, extroverts have a much easier time of it establishing connections with other people. This is due to their natural willingness to open up to others and be who they really are.

This decision to be honest when you meet others, rather than defensive of your privacy, is the key to generating new acquaintances that can eventually become friends (or, at least, have a chance of developing into a long-term acquaintance). Don’t get me wrong; rarely does anyone want to hear about some intensely personal issue that you’re confronting moments after meeting you. However, it’s really so much easier to develop a common bond when you move past the weather and the ball game into some topic you are both passionate about.

“But, I don’t even know where to begin! How do I even start talking to someone?” is a question I often hear from people. What I’ve found, and it’s been demonstrated true time and again, is that people love to talk about themselves. So, ask people questions. It’s helpful to use a technique called “F.O.R.M.”, which has been used by sales people and other relationship builders for years. The acronym stands for “Family, Occupation, Recreation, Message”.

First, Family. Find out if they have one. Wife or husband, kids, significant other, pets (this is a big one that some folks forget)? Find out how they met their spouse or significant other. How old are the kids and what are they involved in? If you have similar experiences, this is even better. You can form a bond by discussing your kids’ soccer teams or what have you.

Second, Occupation. How’d they get started with Company X? What attracted them to the industry? What’s the future hold for their company? Anything exciting on the horizon?

Third, Recreation. What do they do for fun? Reading, biking, hiking, painting, sculpting, singing, underwater basket weaving? Any areas in common there? If they mention something unique or unusual, be sure to find out how they got involved in that activity.

Finally, Message. This small talk only needs to go on as long as you’d like it to. Most people don’t expect to have an hour long conversation with someone who they didn’t know five minutes ago. Once you come to a convenient pause in the small talk, just excuse yourself. But, and this is key, make sure to leave the message with them that you’ve enjoyed talking with them and would like to follow up with them in the future. For instance, you could say, “I’ve really enjoyed talking to you just now, especially about _______. However, I’ve just seen someone else I need to go say hello to (you see people all around you, don’t you?). Would you mind giving me your email address, or perhaps you have a business card? I’d like to keep in touch; perhaps we could have a cup of coffee some day and discuss ________.” And don’t worry about it if you really haven’t connected at all. You’ll know, and so will they. Don’t force it. Just disengage with a polite “it’s been good talking to you,” and move along.

The key to making connections is to be truly interested in other people. Most everyone you would happen to meet has some aspect of their personality that is interesting and unique. It’s your job to attempt to find that by asking them questions and really listening to their answers. Use some of the techniques above to make small talk with the guy in front of you in the checkout line at the grocery store, or the woman in line at the bank. Get in the habit of being friendly to everyone you meet, beginning with a genuine smile, and soon you’ll realize that you’re well on your way to having plenty of genuine relationships.

So, what’s the big deal?  Why should I worry about other people; shouldn’t I be looking out for number one (especially early in my career)?

These are questions that used to cross my mind quite often. Having grown up in these United States, I was thoroughly indoctrinated with the “John Wayne” mindset; I could do it on my own. Independence is valued very highly in our society (and rightly so). However, in asserting our independence, we often slide too far in the other direction and totally miss all the benefits we receive as members of society.

There are many things to be gained from our social circles, it’s true. However, if one approaches “networking” in the manner in which it is often conducted, that person will totally miss the point. Relationships aren’t something to be milked for all they’re worth. You cannot use other people to get ahead for very long before they quit allowing themselves to be used. Each relationship has to be approached from the standpoint of giving. What benefit can I provide for this person? How can I help him or her out with the challenge they are facing? What value am I bringing to the table? If we as individuals approach our relationships from a service standpoint, we will never lack for opportunities.

This mindset applies everywhere. In order to get a raise, you first need to demonstrate that you’re willing to put in the time and effort necessary to generate value for your organization. To be placed in a position of authority, one first must be willing to become a good follower; working hard to ensure the success of the team. In order to make friends, you need to be a friend first. An extremely wise Man once said, “the first shall be last, and the last shall be first”. Take a subordinate position, humble yourself, and be willing to learn. You cannot demand respect (well, you can, but you’re most likely not going to get it), it must be earned.

So, in order to build a network of friends and associates that you can draw upon for assistance, you first need to be a person who offers his or her assistance to those around you, without question and with no thought for being repaid. Don’t keep track of the favors you do for other people. It’s not worth the mental effort. If you give of yourself to others, be it financially, with time and expertise, or just as a friend who listens, you will always receive back more than you give.

I’m an introvert. Not in the sense that I stutter, or have anxiety attacks when I leave my house. I’m an introvert in the sense that I would rather spend my time with a few close friends, rather than in a room full of people I know only superficially. This doesn’t mean that I have poor or below average social skills; far from it. I’ve read many books on relationship building and I feel like I do a good job when I’m meeting new people. One of my favorite things to do, in fact, is speaking in front of a group of people on a topic I find interesting. It just means that big “party” type settings, where I interact with many different people, drain me of energy, rather than renewing it.

However, after an event like this, when I’m on my way home, I think about situations of extreme isolation, and wonder just how far one can go in that direction. Wouldn’t being a hermit be great? What about shutting yourself up like Thoreau? What if you were literally the last person on earth? What would that be like?

Can you imagine being totally, utterly alone? Nothing to interact with (television, internet, radio, etc.) and absolutely no one to talk to. Imagine walking around a world that looked exactly like the one you’re familiar with in every way, but totally devoid of any other person or animal to interact with. How long do you think you could last before you went crazy from loneliness or literally died from boredom? Could a lack of relational stimulation really kill you? I think it could.

The bottom line is, even introverts like me need human contact. Parties may be draining, but it would be nothing compared to the alternative. Voluntary isolation from other people can be refreshing for some, but it always ends. We need other people in order to survive. It is only in the regular give-and-take with people that we know and meet that we can find purpose and meaning in our lives. We exist, to a certain extent, for relationships. Relationships with our Maker and with each other. If there were no others, there would be no purpose. But, in interacting with others, we find purpose on the most basic of levels. Every motive in life, running the gamut from selfless service to manipulative control and domination, requires interaction with other people. Make the most of your opportunities every day to talk to the person in front of you at Starbucks while you’re waiting for your frappachino; you may meet a person who makes your life more worth living (or, you could be the person that makes their life more livable).

Ever hear someone talking about a dog with a bone and they say, “That dog was worrying that bone to death!”? I always find that an interesting turn of phrase, because it’s such a great mental picture of what worry actually is. It’s a gnawing feeling around the edges of your consciousness. It doesn’t send you into a panic (most of the time); it’s just always there, causing you to be distracted and not focused on what you need to get done.

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to worry. Now, I don’t really like to admit this (even to myself), but it’s true. I’ll call it by any number of other names (”I’m just focusing on solving a challenge!”), but it boils down to something on my mind that causes me to lose sleep.

I lost a lot of sleep while I was in the military. I couldn’t just lay down and fall asleep, I had to wait (sometimes for hours) for my mind to settle down enough to allow me to relax. I was always thinking about something: deployments, responsibilities, how much I hated having to wear the same thing every day, etc.

Then, one day, someone suggested that the reason why my mind was always racing was that there were thoughts locked up in my subconscious that couldn’t get out. She further suggested a technique which I began to refer to as a “brain barf”. I would sit down every day (sometimes two or three times, when I first started) for a set amount of time and either write on a piece of paper or type into a Word document everything that ran through my head. No filtering, no editing, don’t even go back to read what I wrote. Just keep writing (or typing) until I totally ran out of things to write, or the time ran out. If I couldn’t capture a specific thought or articulate what I was thinking, I just wrote “I have nothing to write” over and over until the words started flowing again.

What a relief! If I did this exercise just before I went to be every night, I found that I could fall right to sleep. No restless thoughts running through my head, keeping me awake for hours. Some type of psychological release occurred during my “worry time” that allowed all my pent-up anxieties to spill out on to the page. I’m guessing it had something to do with verbalizing (i.e. - acknowledging) the challenges that I knew (or didn’t know) I was facing.

Once you face your challenges head on by writing them down, you’re going to realize that most of them are really fairly trivial. However, if there are some that still worry you, you can take a further step of singling them out, and one by one, writing what the worst thing is that could result if your worry came to pass. Then, assign an actual “how likely is this to happen” score to it. For me, it always served as a wake up call to point out how inconsequential my challenges were, once they were brought out into the light of day. If there are still some outcomes that frighten you, you’ve established some concrete situations that you want to avoid (not some nebulous fears that you can’t put your finger on). Armed with this specific information, you can take steps to establish a contingency plan to prevent any of your worries from coming to pass.

I found out that, once I made this a habit, I needed to do it less and less. I’m to the point now where, if I have some difficulty falling asleep, I’ll just grab my journal and head out to my family room for ten minutes or so. I’ll barf all my worries out on the page and head back to bed. It’s a great tool to use when you need it. Give it a shot the next time you’re fighting insomnia due to a tough day at work.

Re-reading through one of my all-time favorite books of any genre (let alone self-improvement), The Magic of Thinking Big, by Dr. David Schwartz. I’d like to highlight a little of what he’s talking about in Chap. 2, just to give you a taste of some of the topics he covers. Though this is an older book (first published in 1959), the principles are timeless.

He mentions four reasons that people allow themselves to be defeated in the pursuit of their dreams, terming them different forms of the killer disease excusitis. These four are:

1. Health

2. Intelligence

3. Age

4. Luck

We’ve all met someone who’s constantly bemoaning the state of their ingrown toenails, the air quality, the pollen count, their fair skin that’s subject to burning, etc. etc. These people are probably in generally good health, but they allow themselves to think their way into every imaginable ailment known to human kind. What’s worse, these are the same people who will pass on this habit to their unfortunate, impressionable children. The kids don’t have a chance; they’ll grow up to be as big, if not bigger, hypochondriacs than their parents were. I realize that there are genuine health challenges that certain people face. However, there are those individuals (such as Mark Zupan, the inspiring paralympian from the documentary film, Murderball) who conversely face greater limitations to their ability to function in society than most of us will ever dream. These people don’t waste time pitying themselves; they go out and find ways to circumvent their challenges and thrive and achieve at the highest levels of society. Helen Keller, anyone?

There are very few people willing to publicly admit that they feel intellectually inferior to their peers. However, there are many who harbor these thoughts privately. The truth is, a few points on an IQ test matter very little (and can often be a hindrance). What’s crucial to success is not having all the answers, but the commitment to success itself. As long as one is willing to never give up, you can encounter as many learning opportunities as you can stomach.  Very often, those with a high IQ (and are aware of it) suffer from analysis paralysis or the habit of waiting for the “perfect time” to begin a new endeavor. Sadly, that time never comes.

Age is viewed as a hindrance not only by the old, but by the young. Our more mature readers must always remind themselves of the story of Ray Kroc (founder of McDonalds), who didn’t buy the restaurant from the McDonald brothers until well into his 50’s. One should consider this: a typical college graduate enters the workforce at 22, and the most successful leaders of companies and organizations will typically work well into their 70’s. This leaves a span of over 50 years to accomplish something in the business world truly worthy of the word success. A person really doesn’t even hit the midpoint of his or her effective working life until they’re around 50 years of age! Maybe this causes some of you to shudder, but it’s true. If you are one of the ones who shudders at that thought, we’ll discuss later how to find a calling that will excite you when viewed in conjunction with that last statistic.

Finally, luck; the most bogus of all nouns. Much like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, only the very young or the sorely misinformed believe in it. I’ve heard, as I’m sure you have, that luck is where opportunity and preparedness meet. If you’re ready for the opportunities that come your way, you’ll be one of the luckiest people around, and people will envy how you always seem to land on your feet. Be always ready through constant application of your current skills and the never-ending effort to gain new ones, and luck will find you.

So, these are the four strains of excusitis. Take note of the way you speak for the next week, and see if you catch yourself making excuses for why you can’t accomplish what others seem to do easily. Then, if you do see it, replace your excuses with affirmations. Much like Stuart Smally, you are good enough, smart enough, and, dog gone it, people like you!