Jason D. Barr

So, if (as I mentioned yesterday) we are all relational beings to one extent or another, how do we do it? How do we go about developing relationships? Those of us who are introverted tend to make connections slowly, and devote a great deal of time to one person before we consider them to be a true friend. Our extroverted friends, on the other hand, can enter a room where they know no one and walk out with 10s of new friends in a couple of hours. What’s the difference?

First of all, the difference may be one of semantics. Extroverts tend to use a looser definition of “friend” than do introverts. However, even functioning from a baseline definition, extroverts have a much easier time of it establishing connections with other people. This is due to their natural willingness to open up to others and be who they really are.

This decision to be honest when you meet others, rather than defensive of your privacy, is the key to generating new acquaintances that can eventually become friends (or, at least, have a chance of developing into a long-term acquaintance). Don’t get me wrong; rarely does anyone want to hear about some intensely personal issue that you’re confronting moments after meeting you. However, it’s really so much easier to develop a common bond when you move past the weather and the ball game into some topic you are both passionate about.

“But, I don’t even know where to begin! How do I even start talking to someone?” is a question I often hear from people. What I’ve found, and it’s been demonstrated true time and again, is that people love to talk about themselves. So, ask people questions. It’s helpful to use a technique called “F.O.R.M.”, which has been used by sales people and other relationship builders for years. The acronym stands for “Family, Occupation, Recreation, Message”.

First, Family. Find out if they have one. Wife or husband, kids, significant other, pets (this is a big one that some folks forget)? Find out how they met their spouse or significant other. How old are the kids and what are they involved in? If you have similar experiences, this is even better. You can form a bond by discussing your kids’ soccer teams or what have you.

Second, Occupation. How’d they get started with Company X? What attracted them to the industry? What’s the future hold for their company? Anything exciting on the horizon?

Third, Recreation. What do they do for fun? Reading, biking, hiking, painting, sculpting, singing, underwater basket weaving? Any areas in common there? If they mention something unique or unusual, be sure to find out how they got involved in that activity.

Finally, Message. This small talk only needs to go on as long as you’d like it to. Most people don’t expect to have an hour long conversation with someone who they didn’t know five minutes ago. Once you come to a convenient pause in the small talk, just excuse yourself. But, and this is key, make sure to leave the message with them that you’ve enjoyed talking with them and would like to follow up with them in the future. For instance, you could say, “I’ve really enjoyed talking to you just now, especially about _______. However, I’ve just seen someone else I need to go say hello to (you see people all around you, don’t you?). Would you mind giving me your email address, or perhaps you have a business card? I’d like to keep in touch; perhaps we could have a cup of coffee some day and discuss ________.” And don’t worry about it if you really haven’t connected at all. You’ll know, and so will they. Don’t force it. Just disengage with a polite “it’s been good talking to you,” and move along.

The key to making connections is to be truly interested in other people. Most everyone you would happen to meet has some aspect of their personality that is interesting and unique. It’s your job to attempt to find that by asking them questions and really listening to their answers. Use some of the techniques above to make small talk with the guy in front of you in the checkout line at the grocery store, or the woman in line at the bank. Get in the habit of being friendly to everyone you meet, beginning with a genuine smile, and soon you’ll realize that you’re well on your way to having plenty of genuine relationships.

So, what’s the big deal?  Why should I worry about other people; shouldn’t I be looking out for number one (especially early in my career)?

These are questions that used to cross my mind quite often. Having grown up in these United States, I was thoroughly indoctrinated with the “John Wayne” mindset; I could do it on my own. Independence is valued very highly in our society (and rightly so). However, in asserting our independence, we often slide too far in the other direction and totally miss all the benefits we receive as members of society.

There are many things to be gained from our social circles, it’s true. However, if one approaches “networking” in the manner in which it is often conducted, that person will totally miss the point. Relationships aren’t something to be milked for all they’re worth. You cannot use other people to get ahead for very long before they quit allowing themselves to be used. Each relationship has to be approached from the standpoint of giving. What benefit can I provide for this person? How can I help him or her out with the challenge they are facing? What value am I bringing to the table? If we as individuals approach our relationships from a service standpoint, we will never lack for opportunities.

This mindset applies everywhere. In order to get a raise, you first need to demonstrate that you’re willing to put in the time and effort necessary to generate value for your organization. To be placed in a position of authority, one first must be willing to become a good follower; working hard to ensure the success of the team. In order to make friends, you need to be a friend first. An extremely wise Man once said, “the first shall be last, and the last shall be first”. Take a subordinate position, humble yourself, and be willing to learn. You cannot demand respect (well, you can, but you’re most likely not going to get it), it must be earned.

So, in order to build a network of friends and associates that you can draw upon for assistance, you first need to be a person who offers his or her assistance to those around you, without question and with no thought for being repaid. Don’t keep track of the favors you do for other people. It’s not worth the mental effort. If you give of yourself to others, be it financially, with time and expertise, or just as a friend who listens, you will always receive back more than you give.