Jason D. Barr

Man, this one is a big deal.  I’ve heard it said that a business partnership is much like a marriage, and I believe this to be very true.  Not only do you need to enjoy the person(s) you’re partnered with (you’ll be spending a lot of time with them), you need to be compatible with them.  By that, I mean you have to have the same values and morals.  You’re going to be making decisions with this person that will influence your financial well-being (conversely, you could also be making decisions that don’t put you in jail for fuzzy math).  It’s so important you’re all on the same page when it comes to those big picture issues.

If you’re not sure what’s going on here, please read this first.

Who am I?

I’m an introvert. Both in the sense that most people understand it, as well as the “correct” definition. Most folks think that introverts are people who are not comfortable in social situations, speaking in front of crowds, etc. That captures me to a certain extent, although I do feel like I’ve trained myself to fake it pretty well. Social situations (such as a party or anywhere else where I’m in a group of mostly unknown folks) aren’t my favorite. I can small talk people, (and do it fairly well, I think) but it always seems kind of forced to me. It’s on par with mowing the lawn or something; I do it, but it’s not something I want to be doing, so it seems to go pretty slowly and I’m always looking for my exit. As an aside, I’ve hit on my strategy before when I’m talking with new folks here.

However, I’ve read a couple of books on psychology and personality that define extroverts and introverts in a way that I really like. It’s not so much whether you feel comfortable in social situations, or have anxiety about them, or even enjoy them. An extrovert is someone who’s batteries are charged, so to speak, by being in a social situation, while an introvert is someone who feels refreshed after spending time alone (reading, or playing video games, or sitting in a dark room or whatever). The next time you’re in a social situation, notice how you feel after it’s over. Are you refreshed, and looking for the after-party? Or, do you need to go home and mellow out for awhile before you can relax? That reaction will tell you what you truly are. I’m definitely one of the people who is exhausted by being around other people. Not that I dislike being around people, it’s just physically draining to me. It’s not what I would choose to do if someone asked me what I want to do to relax.

I believe this temperament has contributed to my development as a curious and well-rounded person. If I hadn’t spent so much time reading instead of going to parties, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That’s not to say that introverts are better off than extroverts, or to stereotype one group over another. It’s just that for me personally, I know that it’s contributed to my intellectual development. On the flip side, I’ve also had to work hard to become more of a people person. I’m certainly not one (a people person, that is), but I think I’ve gotten better than I was when, say, I was in high school.

So, if (as I mentioned yesterday) we are all relational beings to one extent or another, how do we do it? How do we go about developing relationships? Those of us who are introverted tend to make connections slowly, and devote a great deal of time to one person before we consider them to be a true friend. Our extroverted friends, on the other hand, can enter a room where they know no one and walk out with 10s of new friends in a couple of hours. What’s the difference?

First of all, the difference may be one of semantics. Extroverts tend to use a looser definition of “friend” than do introverts. However, even functioning from a baseline definition, extroverts have a much easier time of it establishing connections with other people. This is due to their natural willingness to open up to others and be who they really are.

This decision to be honest when you meet others, rather than defensive of your privacy, is the key to generating new acquaintances that can eventually become friends (or, at least, have a chance of developing into a long-term acquaintance). Don’t get me wrong; rarely does anyone want to hear about some intensely personal issue that you’re confronting moments after meeting you. However, it’s really so much easier to develop a common bond when you move past the weather and the ball game into some topic you are both passionate about.

“But, I don’t even know where to begin! How do I even start talking to someone?” is a question I often hear from people. What I’ve found, and it’s been demonstrated true time and again, is that people love to talk about themselves. So, ask people questions. It’s helpful to use a technique called “F.O.R.M.”, which has been used by sales people and other relationship builders for years. The acronym stands for “Family, Occupation, Recreation, Message”.

First, Family. Find out if they have one. Wife or husband, kids, significant other, pets (this is a big one that some folks forget)? Find out how they met their spouse or significant other. How old are the kids and what are they involved in? If you have similar experiences, this is even better. You can form a bond by discussing your kids’ soccer teams or what have you.

Second, Occupation. How’d they get started with Company X? What attracted them to the industry? What’s the future hold for their company? Anything exciting on the horizon?

Third, Recreation. What do they do for fun? Reading, biking, hiking, painting, sculpting, singing, underwater basket weaving? Any areas in common there? If they mention something unique or unusual, be sure to find out how they got involved in that activity.

Finally, Message. This small talk only needs to go on as long as you’d like it to. Most people don’t expect to have an hour long conversation with someone who they didn’t know five minutes ago. Once you come to a convenient pause in the small talk, just excuse yourself. But, and this is key, make sure to leave the message with them that you’ve enjoyed talking with them and would like to follow up with them in the future. For instance, you could say, “I’ve really enjoyed talking to you just now, especially about _______. However, I’ve just seen someone else I need to go say hello to (you see people all around you, don’t you?). Would you mind giving me your email address, or perhaps you have a business card? I’d like to keep in touch; perhaps we could have a cup of coffee some day and discuss ________.” And don’t worry about it if you really haven’t connected at all. You’ll know, and so will they. Don’t force it. Just disengage with a polite “it’s been good talking to you,” and move along.

The key to making connections is to be truly interested in other people. Most everyone you would happen to meet has some aspect of their personality that is interesting and unique. It’s your job to attempt to find that by asking them questions and really listening to their answers. Use some of the techniques above to make small talk with the guy in front of you in the checkout line at the grocery store, or the woman in line at the bank. Get in the habit of being friendly to everyone you meet, beginning with a genuine smile, and soon you’ll realize that you’re well on your way to having plenty of genuine relationships.

So, what’s the big deal?  Why should I worry about other people; shouldn’t I be looking out for number one (especially early in my career)?

These are questions that used to cross my mind quite often. Having grown up in these United States, I was thoroughly indoctrinated with the “John Wayne” mindset; I could do it on my own. Independence is valued very highly in our society (and rightly so). However, in asserting our independence, we often slide too far in the other direction and totally miss all the benefits we receive as members of society.

There are many things to be gained from our social circles, it’s true. However, if one approaches “networking” in the manner in which it is often conducted, that person will totally miss the point. Relationships aren’t something to be milked for all they’re worth. You cannot use other people to get ahead for very long before they quit allowing themselves to be used. Each relationship has to be approached from the standpoint of giving. What benefit can I provide for this person? How can I help him or her out with the challenge they are facing? What value am I bringing to the table? If we as individuals approach our relationships from a service standpoint, we will never lack for opportunities.

This mindset applies everywhere. In order to get a raise, you first need to demonstrate that you’re willing to put in the time and effort necessary to generate value for your organization. To be placed in a position of authority, one first must be willing to become a good follower; working hard to ensure the success of the team. In order to make friends, you need to be a friend first. An extremely wise Man once said, “the first shall be last, and the last shall be first”. Take a subordinate position, humble yourself, and be willing to learn. You cannot demand respect (well, you can, but you’re most likely not going to get it), it must be earned.

So, in order to build a network of friends and associates that you can draw upon for assistance, you first need to be a person who offers his or her assistance to those around you, without question and with no thought for being repaid. Don’t keep track of the favors you do for other people. It’s not worth the mental effort. If you give of yourself to others, be it financially, with time and expertise, or just as a friend who listens, you will always receive back more than you give.

I’m an introvert. Not in the sense that I stutter, or have anxiety attacks when I leave my house. I’m an introvert in the sense that I would rather spend my time with a few close friends, rather than in a room full of people I know only superficially. This doesn’t mean that I have poor or below average social skills; far from it. I’ve read many books on relationship building and I feel like I do a good job when I’m meeting new people. One of my favorite things to do, in fact, is speaking in front of a group of people on a topic I find interesting. It just means that big “party” type settings, where I interact with many different people, drain me of energy, rather than renewing it.

However, after an event like this, when I’m on my way home, I think about situations of extreme isolation, and wonder just how far one can go in that direction. Wouldn’t being a hermit be great? What about shutting yourself up like Thoreau? What if you were literally the last person on earth? What would that be like?

Can you imagine being totally, utterly alone? Nothing to interact with (television, internet, radio, etc.) and absolutely no one to talk to. Imagine walking around a world that looked exactly like the one you’re familiar with in every way, but totally devoid of any other person or animal to interact with. How long do you think you could last before you went crazy from loneliness or literally died from boredom? Could a lack of relational stimulation really kill you? I think it could.

The bottom line is, even introverts like me need human contact. Parties may be draining, but it would be nothing compared to the alternative. Voluntary isolation from other people can be refreshing for some, but it always ends. We need other people in order to survive. It is only in the regular give-and-take with people that we know and meet that we can find purpose and meaning in our lives. We exist, to a certain extent, for relationships. Relationships with our Maker and with each other. If there were no others, there would be no purpose. But, in interacting with others, we find purpose on the most basic of levels. Every motive in life, running the gamut from selfless service to manipulative control and domination, requires interaction with other people. Make the most of your opportunities every day to talk to the person in front of you at Starbucks while you’re waiting for your frappachino; you may meet a person who makes your life more worth living (or, you could be the person that makes their life more livable).